Cronkwell Express
A true story based on things that never happened
A young man named Jeff Table is standing at a bus stop. He is dressed as Santa Claus. He turns to an old lady waiting beside him. He explains that he hasn’t polished his shoes in hours, but he just doesn’t care.
Jeff got on the bus and asked to go to the town square. The driver said “Speak up lad, I can’t hear ya!” This was one of the things that irritated Jeff on a day to day basis. He is always being told how to talk, both in terms of volume and pitch.
However, in this situation he came prepared. He had a small microphone sellotaped to his left wrist, with the cable running the length of his arm. It was connected to an amplifier which hung around his neck and cleverly concealed by the Santa jacket. He switched on the mic and the amp and yelled “TOWN SQUARE!” so loudly it caused people’s faces to vibrate. The driver was dumbfounded and remained frozen with shock. Jeff relaxed and leaned against the door.
He told the driver, at this moment dressed as an astronaut, all about his latest boots which, though currently unpolished, literally have a mind of their own, as well as rockets attached to them which go off whenever Jeff feels even slightly surprised. The working titles were “Rocket Surprise Boots” and “Death Shoes” depending on which demographic he’s aiming for.
A man dressed as a superhero (and claiming to be a scientist) began debating with himself whether or not to press the emergency release button for the door Jeff was leaning against. His son who was standing beside him attempted to talk him out of it, while the scientist gradually pressed the release button.
As Mr Table fell out of the moving bus, a look of surprise formed on his face, activating the rockets. While this was occurring Jeff challenged the scientist’s son to a fight, which he accepted.
Jeff landed in the garden of a house which just happened to be where his friends, Shoeboy and Charles lived. These friends have a policy of “If you’re on our lawn, you have to entertain us for 10 minutes or get out.” They had few visitors, so were glad to see Jeff. Charles was dressed as a cowboy while Shoeboy was disguised as a ninja, though he actually is a ninja. Charles and Shoeboy did not own this house. They had been living there since the mysterious disappearance of the actual owner, Cliffy the Shrub. While C and S (as they liked to be called) were babysitting some of Cliffy’s old newspapers, Cliffy told them he’d be gone for a while, and hasn’t been seen since.
As he entered the main room, he attempted to entertain them by telling a tale of the time it was so cold outside that he had no choice but to wear a hat, even though, as they were aware, he’s not the sort of person who usually wears hats! He noticed their increasing boredom and restlessness. He suggested that they all watch some TV. He set it up with a good pitch, “The people who run Television networks are professionals, who’ve been in the business for years. They know talent when they see it and only hire the very best in the biz. That’s why they never screen bad programmes.”
His pitch was received well. He even gave a knowing nod to Shoeboy when he said the word “biz”, which is one of their favourites. A show called The Actual Life of John Bronnick had just begun. The theme song goes as follows:
“John, John Bronnick. Cool! Smart! Successful! Never learned the alphabet! Can’t count backwards! Has a strange fear of coats! John!”
The narrator began, “John Bronnick, the man who lived the dream. One man, who in just 21 years of living, to the max, learned how to do things the way he wanted, his own way!”
It then cut to a man, presumably Mr Bronnick, standing on a toilet seat and talking to himself in the 3rd person about how he lives the dream. There was crying involved as well.
The narrator continued, “John claims that if you live the dream solidly for one full year, then you’ve lived the dream your whole life. The logic of this has not yet been fully understood. So far he’s had thousands of imitators and is thinking of setting up his own religion.”
The show was interrupted by an important news bulletin.
“The latest movie from the Chuckle Brothers, “The Chuckle Brothers irritate Italy” has been removed from all cinemas, due to the fact that it’s become so popular, people have stopped watching all other films after seeing what has been unanimously described as “The greatest thing that’s ever been”.”
Charles proceeded to walk into the corner of the room and punched the walls until unconscious. It transpired that he was a massive Chuckle Brothers fan and his favourite scenes where those in which they were irritating.
Jeff and Shoeboy decided that the best way to ease Charles’ stress and insanity was to take him to an internet café and watch the movie online. After Charles regained consciousness they walked to the nearest internet café, which was called Funslide Central, and went inside. They noticed a poster advertising the film. It read “Chuckle Brothers DVD’s on sale at Funslide Central. Two grown men turn basic everyday tasks into disastrous ordeals, which explains why they have no other friends.” Shoeboy walked up to the clerk, who was in full policeman attire.
“Do you have any copies of the heavily advertised Chuckle Brothers film?” he asked hopefully. “Though I suppose they’re all sold out” he laughed.
The clerk began to laugh with him and even started grabbing his sides. Though he wasn’t laughing enough to justify side-grabbing and the overall atmosphere became quite awkward.
The man spoke, “The truth is I’ve actually had to destroy every copy myself. You see, since we got them in, we’ve been burgled 15 times by the Chuckle Brothers themselves. As soon as I took them out of stock they’ve been keeping their distance.”
“That’s ok, we’d just like to use one of your computers” said Shoeboy.
“We only have one computer in working order; you’ll have to wait about 5 minutes.”
“No deal!” yelled Charles, and the gang stormed out.
After spending the majority of the day chasing squirrels up trees, the gang decided to go to the nearest bar. As they entered Maris’s Mansion, Jeff noticed his best friend Cliffy the Shrub. He was dressed smartly in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts.
“What have you been up to Cliffy?” Jeff asked in a friendly and jovial manner, proving they were indeed friends.
“Badmouthing popular fictional characters. Also, talking loudly in quiet places and talking quietly in loud places.” This bar was one of the quieter places, which meant Cliffy was highly audible from all five corners of the oddly shaped room. “Listen to this, I have a story to tell you. Recently I became so entertained by my own antics that I overestimated the appeal I had to the average member of the public. Let’s just say I charged extremely high prices for an act which mainly involved me eating slices of ham on a stage.” He leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head.
Jeff responded, “You know that’s not so much a story, more like something an idiot would do.”
Cliffy leaned forward, “I’ve been through some dark days you know”
“No you haven’t. I keep telling you, that was just night time.”
By now, Cliffy had become increasingly animated. “Night time! Daytime! What’s the difference?! Everything goes wrong! I’m not as entertaining as I thought I was, Rupert won’t even talk to me anymore!”
Jeff turned around and realised that the bartender (Rupert) was indeed avoiding Cliffy’s gaze. He also noticed the Chuckle Brothers pointing and laughing, and throwing jam jars at him from a distance.
Jeff and Cliffy talked and talked into the night, about all of their many, many problems, until they realised they should make the best of what they have and agreed to use Cliffy’s stage school experience to help pitch and advertise Jeff’s inventions. One that he’d been working on recently was the handcuff gun. To make cities a safer place, instead of carrying guns and tazers, which could easily backfire, police can simply fire handcuffs at criminals when they’re committing crimes. This invention is still only a prototype as it’s no more effective than violently throwing a pair of handcuffs at someone’s wrists and hoping that they stay on.
They decided to set up a company called “Rippling Solitude” and within their first month they successfully sold their first product, the Clock Radiator. It was claimed to be “The warmest clock in town”. Their tagline was “Better than Carpets”.
They’re remaining optimistic for the future, despite the fact that the person who bought the product has since returned it for a full refund.
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optimistic